Looking for love

From rom-coms to reality tv to real life, everyone is searching for “the one.” But how do we find this elusive partner, and what makes them special enough to choose above all others?

While every love story feels unique, romance follows a surprisingly universal pattern. First comes attraction—that initial spark of interest. Then courtship—the dating phase where two people connect and build intimacy. Finally, commitment—the decision to stay together through ongoing communication and loyalty.

These stages feel distinctly human, woven into the fabric of our identities and cultures. But is that true? What if I told you that the same chemicals that flood our brains when we fall in love course through prairie voles when they bond? Or that pufferfish create elaborate art to impress a mate?

Let’s explore our deepest romantic ideals through the lens of the animal kingdom. By examining how other species attract, court, and commit, we'll uncover which aspects of love are uniquely ours, and which transcend species divides. The answers might surprise you.

Attraction: ‘The spark’

When it comes to romance, we all have our types—tall or short, brown eyes or blue eyes, homebodies or adventurers. But no matter who we’re attracted to, we’re all searching for that ‘spark,’ that undeniable chemistry that marks the first step of a romantic relationship. But what causes this spark? Let’s turn to animals to answer this question.

Just like animals, our attraction is guided by traits that would make someone a good partner. For us, this includes physical attractiveness, but also personality, hygiene, shared values, and many others. For animals, reproductive fitness is the main driver of mate choice, which is expressed in a variety of ways depending on the species. In some cases, sexual selection has led to the evolution of some outrageous ornamentation, like the elaborate plumage of peacocks, the far-reaching antlers of male deer, or the protruding proboscis of bull elephant seals.

But no matter our type, our emotions of romantic love are rooted in deep neural systems that we share with other animals who form “pair bonds.” Pair bonds are close, selective relationships formed between two individuals, and they are not unique to humans—many birds and even some other mammals form pair bonds. Scientists can study the brain activity of animals in pair bonds to better understand the neural underpinnings of our own experiences of romantic love.

In a study on the pair bonding prairie vole (Microtus ochrogaster), scientists identified key hormones that help regulate our feelings of love and attachment. Oxytocin and dopamine work together to connect the image of their partner with intensely positive feelings—the reward of being together, a chemical cocktail that creates a lasting bond. Vasopressin plays a different role, driving mate-guarding behaviors that look a lot like what we'd call jealousy. These same hormones work in our brains too, triggered by our romantic partners in exactly the same way.

No matter the species, chemistry is chemistry.

Commitment: Partners for life… Or not 

For many humans, the most crucial step in a romantic relationship is commitment. No matter how much our tastes vary, “the one” must be faithful to us, and us alone.

But interestingly, this devotion to monogamy is primarily a human aspiration. In the animal kingdom, species who "mate for life" are few and far between. In fact, experts estimate that only 5% of all mammal species (excluding humans) are believed to be monogamous, compared to nearly 90% of all bird species.

So why do some animals commit while others don’t? Perhaps unromantically, monogamy in nature is only favored when it leads to greater reproductive success for a species. This means that monogamous animals are ones where significant parental investment is necessary to successfully raise young. For birds, this tends to be the case: vulnerable chicks require around-the-clock protection from one parent, while the other is tasked with foraging for food to feed the family. Monogamous birds include penguins, cranes, pigeons, parrots, swans, geese, doves, and albatrosses.

However, like in human relationships, these pair bonds do not always withstand the tests of time. Though these animals may be socially exclusive, in reality, avian affairs are surprisingly common. These fleeting infidelities may represent genetic insurance: for him, spreading his seed could maximize his quantity of potential offspring, while for her, a fling may allow her to maximize the quality of her offspring by copulating with a more attractive male than her husband (ouch)! For birds, even divorce is on the table—if breeding or parenting attempts fail, the two lovebirds may waddle their separate ways.

So where does this leave us? While nature may not subscribe to monogamy, for many humans, it remains a cornerstone of romantic love. Monogamy is the dominant relationship structure across cultures and integral to how many of us build families and societies. Perhaps this is where human and animal love truly diverge—not in the initial spark of attraction or the thrill of courtship, but in our capacity for chosen, sustained commitment.